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"He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God." John 1:11-13
Late Teens
Early 20s
Late 20s
Early 30s
This is me. Different styles. Different jobs. Different walks of life.
Why do you think I chose my favorite pictures of myself??
Probably because I want you to think I am perfect, right? Absolutely not!
I chose these pictures because they bring me joy. However, we all have those photos that show our more natural self or in odd moments. I swear my husband takes the worst pictures of me. For transparency sake, I am going to now show you photos that are NOT my favorite!
I am making a ridiculous face playing skee ball.
In retrospect, I did not like this haircut.
Although it is a beautiful moment, I look gross.
I am not even sure what is happening here.
These pictures show me aging in physical ways.
What a picture cannot tell you is , what is going on inside the person.
As young girls, we did not understand the identity crisis we would be facing as we aged. I remember thinking I was no different than the rest of the boys. I tromped through the woods, went fishing, played softball, wrestled with my cousins, and road my bike all over town. At some point during my growing up, stigmas began to creep in through the tough exterior I had built of WHO I WAS. As a public school attendee, I had all of the opportunity to undergo cliques, bullying, love, loss, and plenty of tears. There was also a great amount of joy, excitement, friendships, emerging talents, and a love of learning.
My life changed when I accepted Christ and met my future husband at the age of 14. Due to these circumstances, my view of high school is pretty jaded. I loved high school and look back on it fondly. The years rolled by, and I kept migrating through those natural milestones: graduation, marriage, college, children, parenthood, changing careers, death of a parent, and all of the nitty gritty in between. Somewhere in there I lost the Tiffany I knew so well in my early 20s. The loss of Tiffany and who she was really hit home after my second child. In the midst of her baby months, I had an ailing parent who needed consistent help. My husband was in a touring band and was gone for over half of the year. I was also working a full time job. Needless to say, I could not figure out how to breathe let alone how to be alone with myself and like the result.
I was asked to speak at a women's retreat in the fall of 2015, titled Beautiful in God's Eyes: The Proverbs 31 Woman. I was pregnant with my daughter, and I was just starting to truly feel odd. I knew that I loved Jesus. I loved my husband. I loved my son and soon to be daughter. I just didn't know how to be me anymore. I was mom. I was wife. I was friend. I was employee. I was a christian. It was at this women's conference that I finally figured out my problem.
As I was preparing for my portion of the retreat I stumbled across a video. It shocked me to the core. Now before you watch it, please understand that I am not a WOMEN'S POWER kinda girl. I am a girl who wanted to believe I could do things again through Christ. So please take a gander at this video and let me know what you think.
I don't know about you, but I had to sit and think about this video for a minute. When did I start to question my identity? What age did I start to struggle with my body? my looks? my voice? my character? my status? You guessed it, middle school. Around the age of puberty, I completely forgot what I worked so hard to build in myself. Like most girls, I had boyfriends, friend problems, popularity issues, and all around confusion of my purpose. I started to assimilate my character to fit in to those around me. The beauty of it all was that I found Jesus at age 14. He repurposed my life and gave me the foundation I needed to rebuild. With the guidance of a good church, my future husband, and a few good friends, I started to really see my life in Christ. What a relief it was! I was joyful and happy with myself and my abilities through Him.
Now, I know what some of you may be thinking...this girl has a problem with PRIDE! My friends you have just struck the climax of this whole thing. Concerning myself with my identity, my truth, my person, is all pride. Here is the truth; No identity matters but Christ's in me! However, at this point in my walk and relationship with Christ, I was not deep enough to understand this concept. Fast forward to the women's retreat where I realized it was happening again. Who am I? Why do I not like myself? Why do I not care about my appearance? This time, as I started to question myself, my experience was different. This time, I had a pretty well established relationship with Christ, and my desire to be more like him lit a fuel under me to figure it all out.
I am not going to lie. It has been an on-going battle for me to find balance in what my flesh wants for my identity and what Christ wants for my identity. After this retreat, I started to try anything and everything to bring joy back to my life. To recreate a genuine smile and laughter. I missed that girl. My husband missed that girl. My kids hadn't even met her yet!
I am not going to bore you with every detail in my journey, but I will briefly explain what I have found so far. These truths for me are NOT for everyone. So please don't think that I am telling you to do these things. It is just what God revealed to me. Your walk is between you and the Lord. He will chisel away at you the same way He did to me to start to form me into something usable.
I am not going to bore you with every detail in my journey, but I will briefly explain what I have found so far. These truths for me are NOT for everyone. So please don't think that I am telling you to do these things. It is just what God revealed to me. Your walk is between you and the Lord. He will chisel away at you the same way He did to me to start to form me into something usable.
Work was an Idol
Work was an Idol
My job became my identity. My career had taken such a precedence in my life that I thought success was the measure God was using for me. I know that I was measuring myself by my success. How could I do more? How can I be better? I don't have time for anything else, I need to get this perfect. My achievements; however, became such an idol that my time was spent solely on it. I would neglect time with my husband and children for the sake of my job. This had to change. This truth was VERY hard because I loved my job and I was really good at it. I had to burn the idol.
Pain of the Past
Pain of the Past
There are things from my past that reared their ugly head during this journey. An identity I was not ready to accept, but wore the label all the same. For sake of privacy, we will call this identity childhood trauma. This particular trauma was something that I had hidden in the deepest darkest corner of my heart, but God wanted to fill me fully up not partially. So I had to walk back through this painful door to release it and not allow it to mold me any longer. My husband was key to this particular battle. He counseled and loved me through the whole process.
My Own Oddities
My Own Oddities
I have always struggled with my personality in general. I am gruff at times. I tend to tell it how it is and that gets me into trouble. I also sometimes come across as unapproachable because of the focus that I have at the time. I blame the chef side of me for most of these lovely qualities. I also have a hard time with other attributes that sometimes I cannot truly decipher whether they are of the Lord or not. One this topic, I am still communing with God. I have found that I am Fearfully and Wonderfully Made. So some of these quirks he gave to me specifically. There is beauty in that thought.
God created me in His image, to bring Him glory, and to be His daughter in a broken world. There is no higher calling than this. It is time to stop figuring out yourself and let God tell you who you are! It is in His word. It is resounding in the beauty all around us. You have a husband who CHOSE YOU! God gave YOU the children you have to raise for HIS GLORY! You are a princess, a daughter of the High King, and You are Fearfully and Wonderfully Made in HIS IMAGE!
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